Ask Aunt Aggie

Oogling Orfeoes

2005-09-24T13:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Aggie,

I don't know what I can do to help my friend. She and her fiancee called it off 4 years ago and she is still not over him. It's almost like this happened yesterday! He is a musician, a really hot picker that I know Aggie has heard of, and he keeps an online journal on his band's website. This is where my friend discovered that he married someone elso last month!!
Oh dear....

She hasn't dated anyone else since the breakup... oh... there have been some attempts but nothing sticks. She does have a few lingering crushes that come and go on a few other hot guitar players, but I'm afraid nothing is going to pan out with any of them.
The only one who's not a little scary is 7 years younger than she is, and seems to prefer women much younger than himself -- and he's so hot there's going to be a steady supply of them. Besides, these guys can all get the message pretty quick that her torch is still lit for Mr. Newlywed.

She's in her late 40s, so it's not like she can spare all this wasted time. I am certainly not to one to be the Love Doctor as I am screwed up for life in that department. Do you think there's any hope? Should I suggest drugs or hypnosis?

Love,
Tech Sass

Oh dear.
Girlfriend is under the sad disillusion that guitar players are Regular Guys.
Guitar Players are Musicians.

Whereas quite a few nice men play guitar, almost no nice guys do it for a living.
(there are a few, very few exceptions to the rule).
It seems a classic case of her being hung up on an IDEA of what she thinks she wants, and attempting to fill the mold she holds in her head with something like "The One That Got Away."
All the while hoping He'll Be Back.

But he did get away.
He is over Her.
I mean -- hello! Married another woman -- and didn't even think to notify the ex personally?
Your friend is so far off his emotional radar she could be on the Moon.

There is a strong possibility he will never directly confront the ex-fiancee because as a rule...
The typical guitar player will charmingly still dangle some worm of hope to keep a girl thinking something could happen, rather than brutally cut her heart out and feed it to his stable of sex kittens for "treats".
That's what lead singers do.

Please keep in mind that it is the J-O-B of an entertainer to appeal to the opposite sex.
Point of fact -- it's the top reason why boys pick up guitars in the first place.
And -- once fully engaged with the guitar -- maturity in every other area is arrested.

But -- your friend has a fixation on guitar players.
Perhaps she is a music aficionado; perhaps she imagines a jet set life style as part of the coterie of *the group*. The cold reality is that Musicians are feckless and reckless by nature, not to be trusted, and very, very poor risks for the long term relationship.

This is not what little girls train for with their Barbie doll play.
Ever see a "Guitar God Ken" doll (complete with scale Stratocaster?) Hell no.
He'd be doing Stacie and Trixie behind Barbie's back, with Skipper lying for him.
He'd probably screw Skipper too, if he got the opportunity.. "I didn't know she was jailbait, I swear..."

The problem with Musicians or what I prefer to call, Stud Puppy Syndrome is that their very most appealing attribute, their "fun" quotient, is also their tragic flaw.
Sure you can get them neutered so they aren't hounding after every bitch they get a wiff of -- but it makes them useless as Studs, you know.
and there are many, many ways to castrate a male besides under anesthesia.
Trust me on this. I have been guilty of the surgical steel tongue myself and gelded quite a few ponies in my time -- but that's another story. Guitar Players are deeply attached to their testicles ["The Boys"] and don't give them up without a good deal of sissy-mary screaming and thrashing around. Most usually run away when their roaming days are threatened to be tied off.

It's instinctual. Nothing personal.
which is the bigger problem, the subtle problem.
it's Never personal.
It is the extremely rare guitar player who thinks of another human being with the same adoration he reserves for his guitars.
it could happen.
and flying monkeys are gonna zoom from which orifice?..

As for the new wife -- I wish her the patience of a saint, the forgiveness of a mother -- and the intestinal fortitude of Mahatma Gandhi to weather the emotional starvation and physical abandonment she'll endure during the touring / recording / and genial whoring around of her husband.

I think the problem is best summed up in the Saul Bellow quote -- "A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep." For whatever reason, your friend in this period of time needs these tissues of belief as training wheels for the rest of her existence.
It's a crutch. It's a totem. It's the Magic.
she is, in other words, "elf-struck".

there's nothing you can do -- and if you take steps to try to bring her to her senses, it will be a case of you deciding what's right for her, not your friend deciding what's right for her. she's 47 years old -- and a mostly functioning member of society?... "Flow gently sweet Afton, disturb not her dream..."

I assume, since you are an intelligent gurl -- girlfriend has brains too. Perhaps the prickly awareness her friends are humoring her will get her to take action.
Or... perhaps the only thing that keeps her from emptying the medicine cabinet with a vodka chaser is dreams.
Believe me -- I have my little EJ fixation and it's saved lives a few times. Just because it's entirely fantasy based with no shred of contact between physical bodies doesn't make it less of a crutch.

however --
if 10 years from now she says, "Why the hell didn't you do something to wake me up and fix me?!" you are well in your rights to punch her in her face. Just once.
and tell her to hold still and do a major wind up into it.

~A.A.

Sex -- the woman's side...

2005-09-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

I need some serious advice! I have a date with a man tomorrow night - after only exchanging a few emails. His deal is that he likes to move quickly into having sex as long as he feels that a friendship is possible (wink wink). But the ironic/scary thing is that I am seriously considering it. He is very upfront about it so he hasn't misled me in any way. I feel that I am in an odd situation - having not been with a man in MANY years - make that 15. So, part of me wants to just get it out of the way - so that it is not a big deal if I meet someone I really like. Another voice tells me to just wait (I've waited this long) until I do meet someone I really like. I never used to think about this kind of thing until I 'met' S*** - I blame him! So, so you have any words of wisdom?

Isn't it strange how women are conditioned to feeling there Must Be More to a relationship before they'll consider having sex with a man -- whereas most men will have sex with anything that strikes their fancy. And yes -- I do mean, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

This can't be stressed enough.
Of course it always will be the females discretion -- after all, the obligation of motherhood is hers alone regardless of whether the male is compelled to take an interest in his offspring's life.

However...
There comes a point in a woman's life where progeny are no longer THE pressing concern: whether through menopause (lordy I hope it doesn't take that long for the majority!) or a conscious decision to take the issue of birth control into her own hands and act as an independent agent, much like men do their whole lives. (I'm sorry. Fatherhood is a conditional "duty" that depends on a moral sense rather than a biological one. I am not dissing men -- it is just that a man drops his seed and can wander back to that field 15 years later to find his child 14 years old -- whereas a woman has at the very least gone through a physical cycle of pregnancy for 9 months -- regardless of whether she has taken responsibility for that offspring. Motherhood is forever. Just thoughts ... I digress.)

Here's a question -- if it were possible for you to go to Nevada, say -- and select a male *escort* (legally) to have guilt free, near anonymous intercourse with; knowing that there would be NO complications of emotional involvement or obligations to even know the guy's real name (we can assume he's a pure stud puppy and had a vasectomy as well as all his shots and screened free of viruses!) would you be comfortable (besides the squirming of doing something so radically different) and OK with that?

If you are -- go ahead and use this guy for a flesh spike.
If you aren't -- don't merely put yourself in a position "Just because" you're wondering if you're going to be in dry dock the rest of your life.

Accept responsibility for your sexuality -- don't make it contingent on the progeny values that root the traditional Patriarchal female sexual script. You are more than that.

Value yourself. It is a radical idea, since all women tend to see ourselves priced and sorted through the male system of selection.

You may genuinely only be feeling these stirrings because you long for the physical connection with S*** to complete the emotional and intellectual pathways you two energized within you.
so you will settle for a proxy. (hey! just like men do!)
You may on the other hand be feeling these things because you are a hoochie mama finally shed of being a goody-two-shoes looking for a hot load and "see ya around, fella" bit of exercise.

Whatever you do -- be aware of what and why you're doing it and have an honest discussion with yourself.

Personally -- This guy who is so upfront about sex first is playing far too steep a game for you, in your neophyte outing of getting back into the swing of being a dating, datable person. Allowing him to impose this rule on you (which you inherently agree to abide by when you accept the date) gives him all the power.

If you want to adapt his terms for selecting your own next applicant "Hi I'm Kathy and I like to move quickly into having sex as long as I feel that a friendship is possible (wink wink)." I like those odds better.

I hope you don't find any of what I wrote offensive.
I'm sure some of it will feel like a poke in a raw wound with a hot poker.
think about the cauterizing effect!

hope it helps,
~A.A.

People, people who need people...

2005-08-11T03:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Aggie,

Do you think it's strange that some of my best friends are lights on a computer screen? How crazy is that? (How pitiful, really?) I belong to several other groups and in one, a person was banned. I miss the conversation with that person and the group seems flat, now. I'm new here, but there seems to be some interesting personalities. I'm not sure I even have a question. Just wanted to talk.

Fifi

Fifi,

How crazy is it that I'm answering a non-question?
Talk away.

as for missing a person who was banned from a group... that person still exists outside of the group and so do you. YOU could even start your own group for people who have been banned from groups you belong to. (there's an interesting subculture, to be sure.)

Most of the people I consider friends are on the Internet as well: it's because on the net we tend to hook up with people who share our passions (and obsessions) with a direct jack-plug connection, so it is at once far more intense and less subjective to the eddies and currents of daily activities and distractions.

The phenomenon of limited friendships has taken on an instant gratification factor because of the immediate response of electronic communications, but people have enjoyed "Pen Pal" friendships for ages.

Unless my Dear, you are actually "friends" with the little glowing lights on the screen. I am rather fond of the color cerulean blue, but I never hear from it.
And after that balmly weekend we shared in the Keys, you'd have thought I'd cross it's mind!

~A.A.

Homophobia: is there a bigger waste of time and energy?...*

2005-08-11T03:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I am contacting you because my good friend Bell, said you could help me. I have a pen pal and I don't know if it's a woman or a man. I'm beginning to develop feelings in that direction, but am afraid it might mean i'm homosapien or sexual... or one of those long "ho" words. Ho ho's were always my favorite snack cake, now I'm reluctant to eat one... Do you think that means anything?

Sincerely,
Terrence Hoosgla

Dear Terrence,

I blame your parents for giving you an ambisexual name, first off. Damn silly people couldn't name you Marvin? So now you are forced to sign your name "Terrence" to ensure gender identification? sheesh.

However -- before getting your panties in a bunch over whether or not you have "rights" to go into a homophobic snit, why not simply ask your pen pal some gender specific questions? Make it a "fun Quiz"!

as for a reluctance to eat Ho Hos .... Terry dear, maybe your pancreas is trying to tell you something completely unrelated to your sexual urges. Eating Ho Hos is not good for you -- and you should only eat the singular variety using a little device known as a "dental dam".

~A.A.

*Thanks to Comedian Ron White for the title.

Business is Business

2005-08-11T03:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
So hoping you can help me. I work for an advertising agency and my dept. has develped a promotion, that is well on it's way to being very successful. The problem is one of the men who works with me has taken this idea and posted it on his web site.

Aunt Aggie, this idea was developed in my company and any comments regarding this should come thru my office. By posting this on his web site, the insinuation is that it's his idea and his property.

What is your advice on how to handle this?
Fiona

Fiona,

Have you spoken to this man? Called him into your office, perhaps with his website on your Monitor, and told him that this idea is not his to make free use of?..

Bring up the words, "Copyright Infringement", and the sincerely regrettable (put a sad frown on your face and shake your head from side to side) "I really hope I don't need to get the legal department involved, here."

You now look like you are trying to be his buddy, but also putting the company first.
If he tries to reason with you that it's "Just an idea anyone could come up with" ask him if indeed he was the one who came up with it. After that --

You don't need an advice columnist, you need a lawyer.

~ A.A.

Off Color Confuzzled (Orange You Glad...)

2005-08-11T03:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
I have a loyalty problem. I want to be politically correct and still exhibited some ability to think for my self. I often run into logic and reality problem with this goal. Your discussion on bigotry brought this confusion to a front for me.
When I was reading the list I was doing pretty good till I got to this area or reasoning.

You will not eat certain foods or consider going into certain areas of the city because, "That's for those sorts of people."

My thought are; You bet. I live long and prosper. Victory and survival is for a very directional runner. If we go out to party, you best show some stereotyping skills.

And, I hate boiled chitlans, and I don't care who thinks that is good food or why.

Guess I didn't pass this one.
You have ever uttered the phrase, "I wouldn't want my daughter to marry one."

Honest Aunt Aggie it was Calija ,a wooden Indian at Applebuns. And right in the peak of rush hour.

Let's be real, there are a lot of things I would not want my daughter to marry. Werewolf's, Vampires, Cops, Stunt drivers, Evil Kanevile dare devils, little Nicky. Big Red, that guy that stuffs corn up his noes for attention and that crazy girl down the street.
Matter of fact I am not going to marry them either. Marry...Define.
I don't think so. See, now I got a problem with tradition.
This thing could snowball...is that a good or bad thing ? in one situation you have fun throwing it, and in the other it crushes you.

I reject all thing I don't like equally. What ever 'They' are.
And I like thing I just shoulden't. Guilt. guilt.confession.. mean spirited movies.
I wouldn't want to make one! but, I watch and scream in horror.
I am reasonably confortable with that as human condition.
I am at liberty to like or dislike who or what ever I please, and I would prefer not to be condemned by hypocrite or saint.
It is against my religions.
It is that whole goose and gander thing. It good for a quick cop out.

After all this time I am totly confussed by statements made in this line of conversation.
Logically, I do not have to like everything or every one. This is not lion shall lay down with the lamb yet.
If that lamb lays down with that lion ...it is to be eaten.

So, I guess a am a little bigot and shall reap the wrath of public rejection for politicaly incorrect thinking> Because; beast that I am, I do not want to live with meaner beasts.
Only mean like me.

What does bigot mean?? Define. Now be real here on earth.

Maybe I am not bad at all. Perhaps, I am just naturally an ego centric maniac.
What then? Who loves me for who and what I am? Humm...Mental heath..Ka Ching.

Where have I gone off base?

Off Color Confuzzled

Dear OCC,

Didn't mean to get your stem in a twist. Bigotry is the dismissal of an entire group of beings based on general assumptions, and usually inapplicable to the individuals who seem to have found themselves grouped together.

I say to really hate somebody, you have to know them.

Taste, it is said, is formed on the basis of a thousand distastes.
You are not obligated to enjoy chitlins.
Not wanting your daughter to marry a junkbondsman who's done time in the big house is a reasonable prejudice where the burden of proof (i.e. worthiness) lies on all individuals -- and is essentially HER decision.

Being a saint is overrated, as is the romaniticized lawlessness of being a sinner.

My personal code is that being myself (which generally means insufferably opinionated and snotty) with a few close friends is my reward for being on good manners with everyone else. Hypocritical? In the strictess sense, you betcha. Welcome to the adult world.

Keep using your head.
Political Correctness by rote is a dangerous thing.
Thinking and living your own life accordingly is what makes being in the USA a worthwhile thing.
Enjoy it while you can.

~A.A.

Aunt Aggie,
Thanks so much for that clarification. My stem feel much better, and I scored a lot better on the ok fruits list. I feared I might have to pluck my leaves or something punitive like that.
It is pretty hard to stay four star and hold a balance.
I am really happy that I don't have to eat chitlens.
I really didn't want to be a bigot even if I wasn't sure what that meant. I figured it had to be pretty bad because people always yell it at each other. Perhaps we could work on that opinionated thing next. As far as peoples go...all the peoples are wonderful.
You Aggie, are truly a treat. And your point of view is pleasantly sound of mind. I enjoy good clear thinking. I might have to make up problems just to come a visit.
I am accustomed to those who are in quest for true enlightenment and reaching for the higher Self. I just kind of wanted to take my time with this transcendence trick. Maybe a few more go around here on planet earth.
I still have a little sinning I would like to do. I like it here..
Thanks again for hearing me out.
~OCC

Mail bag II

2005-06-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

Thanks for the reply. This aunt recently sent me an incredibly bigoted email -- "You Know you're a Ghetto Christian..." I really had to bite my tongue. But you're right. What's the point?
*sigh*
Blueberry

Dear Blueberry,

They serve who stand as illustration of the Peter Drucker credo (adapted from Theodore Sturgeon) "90% of people exist so you can better appreciate the other 10%". If only so many of them didn't.

Here's an email you can forward to your Aunt.. anonymously, of course.

You Might Be A Clueless Bigot if you....

[1.] Have plenty of time to tell other people what you think is wrong with the world but no time to "invest sweat equity" to organizations trying to make the world a better place.

[2.] most of your firmly held beliefs are passed on verbatim from talk radio...

[3.] ...or have essentially been the same ones you've held since junior high school.

[4.] Anything with the name "Our Lord Jesus" on it has to be good, if not sacrosanct.

[5.] You will not eat certain foods or consider going into certain areas of the city because, "That's for those sorts of people."

[6.] You have ever uttered the phrase, "I wouldn't want my daughter to marry one."

[7.] You are certain without any doubt you are going to heaven and you are equally as sure about the people who aren't.

[8.] You feel the only good songs were written for organ accompaniment.

[9.] You can tell at a glance everything you want or need to know about another person and only "listen" to them to confirm your snap judgement.

[10.] You forward emails that are "funny" because they make fun of a group of people you do not belong to and have no other point.
Unlike this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
just off the top of my head, but whaddya think?...

~A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I tried to send my brother & his wife a goofy dog ditty fw. I was told I need to fill out a form so they could receive my spam. Web tv can't seem to get me to where I need to go. Would you mind asking them to put me on the guest list?

Signed
Technically challenged, but tasteful in her forwards.

Dear Tech_Chal_Gal

Speaking of Ghettos... The "webbies" are second class citizens on the order of a bastard attending a family reunion. Web tv was bought by MSN -- and promptly seemed to be regulated into a techno-limbo.

What is especially...tedious (to use a tasteful word) is that Web tv users can't access half the benefits of coming into the fold of Brother Gates Omnipresence.

I do need to point out that your brother probably has his Firewall and SPAM-eradicator program set on Ultra Paranoia. Better pick up the telephone. You may even need to *ugh* write him using a dead tree and ballpoint.

I swear to all that is Holy and Hygenic if people were as cautious in their sexual encounters as they are about deploying security programs to their precious PCs...[rolls eyes].

well -- we'd all be using Apple if we were really intelligent enough to merit eternal life, wouldn't we?

~A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie,

Recently I met this women on line and kinda develop a thing for her. The problem is, I'm not in a position to do anything about it. She's getting upset with me, because she thinks I'm playing games with her. One minute she's telling me what a bozo, I am (and I don't blame her) but the next minute she tells me what she would do to me, if we were in bed.

I know I should distance myself from this woman, but there's something about her that keeps me coming back for more. It isn't just the hot talk. She's a very funny and smart woman. What can I do to let her know, I would if I could.

Sincerely,
Kenny DeWitt

Dear Mr DeWitt,
Since in your own words, you are "not in a position to do anything about it" but at the same time you cannot bring yourself to just shut it down (you are obviously enjoying the attention, even when she calls you a bozo) why not gamble with the fact this intelligent woman with a sense of humor would understand just that?

On the other hand -- perhaps in your mind there is more going on than what is actually there. Do you feel if you are point blank honest her reaction might be, "Whoa cowboy! Just because we're flirting doesn't mean I'm looking for an extended contract?" That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?
You know what? You both laugh -- and you get over it.

IF I may be so bold (and am not presuming on the quality of your Machismo) try talking to her about "the relationship": guys have a right to ask you know; this isn't just the private torture jurisdiction of females.

~A.A.

Dear Ag (ok if I call you that?)

Just had a rather embarassing experience and need a little advice from the female point of view. For the past year, there is a girl in my office that has been flirting with me. As much as I would have liked to take it a step further, I don't fool around with the women I work with.

During an office party last week, I had a few too many dips in the punch bowl, one thing led to another and the next thing I know, we're in my office on the verge of having a hot session on my couch. At this precise moment, the overhead sprinklers connected to the fire alarm went off. It was a sobering moment, to say the least. Having thrown our clothes under the desk, (they were dry) we ducked into a closet, dressed hurriedly and exited the building.

There stood my whole office staff, drenching wet and here we were in dry clothes. The rumour mill started immediately and both of us have been the subject of a lot of wisecracks. My question is... how can I quell these rumours and put a stop to all of these speculations?

Sincerely
A.T. Toppe, CEO

Dear Mr. Toppe, CEO --

Well now -- you got caught high and dry; and speculation is rampant on what the two of you might have been doing ... that you were, indeed, doing?

it seems God does have a rawther burlesque sense of humor, doesn't She?

Continue with your complete denial of the truth. You ARE the CEO -- if your underlings don't like your version of "the miracle of the dried garments" perhaps they are in need of a reminder of the numerous well paying employment opportunities easily found elsewhere -- which should cause all rumour and speculation rumblings to return to their normal levels of being beneath your notice.

~A.A.
and you can call me any lil ol' thang you'd like to, sugah.

Dear Aunt Aggie,

For some time now, I have suspected the guy at the dry cleaners was wearing my clothes. I now have proof, but the cost to me is high.

Last week, left a sport coat there and picked it up this morning. Took the bag off, threw it on the bed and was in the shower. I hear a scream from the bedroom. Jumping out of the shower, not even stopping to grab a towel, I find my girlfriend holding the jacket in one hand and a piece of paper in the other hand. It was a phone number and several rather lewd remarks, about a repeat performance.

Of course, my girlfriend isn't listening to a thing I say (don't blame her) and she procedes to trash my apartment (I'm running around necked trying to stop her) Then she storms out the door. Hurriedly, I get dresses to go after her and find she has sprayed painted my jaguar.

I don't really need any advice, but wanted to write you a note... before I land in jail. Am on my way to administer a well deserved a** kicking to the responsible party. Wish me luck.

Ed Banger

Dear Mr. Banger,

Anyone who has ever made the mistake of not emptying their pockets before dropping off an item at the dry cleaners knows what happens to ephemera that goes through the dry cleaning process. I had a best friend who's cherished autograph from a guitarist was stupidly left in an inner jacket pocket -- and the dry cleaning staff missed pulling it out. If you do happen to have a good dry cleaner -- your stuff gets returned to you in a plastic bag with your name on it. Soooo...

If indeed the jacket was fresh from the cleaners (and why should I doubt your tale?) there is no chance a legible note of any kind could have survived dry cleaning.

ergo -- somebody wore your jacket before you picked it up.

As for the maniac who went ballistic and vandalized your possessions -- not to mention -- HELLO!? She's going through your jacket pockets on the sly looking for lord knows what? She has some serious issues.

Nobody is so good in bed you can dismiss hysterical theatrics and wanton destruction.

Your girlfriend is a moron. Do you really want to run the risk of breeding more morons that'll call you Dad and want to borrow your car?
~ A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I'm in one of those dreary situations that seem so easy to solve, when's happening to someone else. I am divorced from my childhood sweetheart, with whom I have several children. We are still good friends and worked together to raise our children, even if we both have found someone else. The fellow she dates is a really nice guy and we are as friendly as one can be in that type of situation.

For the past 5 years, I have lived with a woman with marriage in the back of mind, when the time is right. She models jewelry for a large department store chain and travels, constantly. I have plenty of opportunity to see other women, if I was so inclined. But I'm not. I've reached a point in my life, where I want to work seriously on my career and spend the time she is away, doing just that.

The problem is... she is jealous of my ex. She resents every phone call I get from her and if the occassion arises that I have to check on the children, I catch hell for a week. Don't suggest I take her with me, because I don't trust her not to start trouble.

In every other way we are compatible, but I'm at my wit's end with this. Any suggestions?

Mike Rohsopht

Dear Mr. Rohsopht,

This woman is a convenience for you -- she travels alot. When she's home I'm sure the sex is just dandy, but other than that she's a diamond studded high mantenance B-!-T-C-H who does not want you to have any contact with your ex-wife and current children. She punishes you for having the audacity to take anyone else's life into consideration, other than her own?..

Don't think it's all her fault, either. You are no prize. If you want to concentrate on making your career happen and actual attention and involvement with a real person with real feelings is so far on the back burner that occasionally playing house with a model is your idea of a relationship (well, until she opens her mouth) that might lead to marriage: you are an idiot.

I could see where the two of you, in your mind are compatible -- you surely do deserve each other. My advice to you is to shut the hell up and buy her something to placate her.

Oh, and do tell the kids that Daddy can only deal with their lives when his girlfriend is out of town.
They'll understand. Evil Stepmother prototypes are in all the cool fairytales, right?

~A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie
I have this real Aunt Agnes who is rather hard of hearing. Sometimes it is so bad that when you say something as simple as How was your day today? She hears "Now whadya play today" She is a casino-aholic. She will then start complaining about how her last day at the casino was. What she played, if she won, who was there (hordes of the gray wave ride the bus to the casino don't ya know). This happens so often, that she hears casino talk in every conversation, I am at wits end in how to talk to her without her discussing her gambling addiction. Do you have any suggestions?

Tired of garbled gambling talk.

Dear TGGT,

So she's a gambling addict, is she? Has she lost her home, hocked your car, and is she pursued by bent nosed ruffians who tie her walker legs in knots?..

My dear TGGT -- real addicts do not discuss any aspect of their addiction unless it is with others of their ilk. It is not a form of inverse snobbery so much as the only reality they CAN grasp is the reality of their fix-ation. It sounds like your Auntie has found a niche for herself with the other blue hairs, and she's got the added bonus of selective hearing that guarantees her she'll be left to her own devices, the silver fox.

Your dear old Aunt Agnes sounds like she's living the lifestyle she wants: if you can't play along, then buy her a bucket of quarters and send her back to the slots.

~A.A.

Why d'you think it's called "University"?

2005-05-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I really like all the wise advice I hear from you. I think it is good sound advice and I would like to apply them all. Or at least I think I should.....I fear conforming to 'other peoples' standards.
IF I made all the necessary changes to reach the stage of enlightened being that is being offered by so many schools of wisdom.; Would I still be me?, what of this small self with only one life to live??
Who shall I let live it???
This being with her earthy balances and dualities is pretty important to me just now. We share skin.

Many Me of diversity

Dear Diverse,
Don't fret over change. The body completely replaces all it's blood cells in the space of a three month period. I am not the same person I was before I read your letter, and I will be a different person yet when I turn off the computer and go to bed. But I am still me.
As you are always you.

You are right: there are many schools of wisdom -- but who says you only get to enroll in one or two in a lifetime? Or that you have to graduate from them with your brain set in concrete?
Each and every one of us is the only truth we will ever know.
If you are alive in the moment, truly experiencing; seeing-hearing-touching-tasting-breathing what every moment has to offer -- you are enrolled in the Cosmic University of NOW.
Shoot for the Dean's List.
On graduation day you get to shake hands with yourself.

keeping to the School motif...a brief discussion of Karma.
here's my theory -- and keep in mind it is *just* a therory:
The Universe is our University where we enroll for many lifetimes to further our soul's education towards Enlightenment.
I think "Karma" is the individual course of study we sign up for before entering this lifetime.

More than half the troubles we have are that we aren't given a schedule of our classes -- so we end up making a mess of things -- wandering the halls , attending interesting lectures, but failing to get course credit and missing the Deans list due to THE UNIVERSAL LACK OF DIRECT COMMUNICATION BETWEEN FACULTY AND STUDENT BODY!!!

how can we be predestined to do anything -- if we don't know what, where, (with) whom, why, how we get from point A to point B?

isn't destiny, infact -- hindsight? An observation humans make to rationalize the choices that brought us to where we are right this minute: with a "good" or "bad" spin to the tone as you raise your hand to explain:
a. that you didn't get a chance to study last night
b. that you're pretty sure you saw this material last semester
c. 'the dog" ate your homework
d. Hope there's extra credit assignments -- you need all the applicable points towards graduation you can get!

Truly -- we're never out of school -- the classroom dimensions just keep getting bigger, more complex.
I wonder how many of us are in *Special Ed.* / Remedial / Summer School -- and on the flip side of that -- who's in the Advanced Placement Excelerated courses?...

~A.A.

Blueberry in the Ketchup

2005-05-18T21:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie:

I have an aunt who married my dear uncle after his first wife died. I’ve never met her, but she sends me the worst kind of right wing republican pro-war christian spam out there, most are mass mailed. A previous one asked for prayers for a certain soldier who was fighting, and I quote, “the enemies of God (the Iraqi insurgents)”. One of them I got this week had the subject line “ACLU Morons” and claimed that the ACLU wanted the crosses from federal cemeteries removed, and that the email should be forwarded around as much as possible. It has been debunked here:
http://www.breakthechain.org/exclusives/aclucross.html.

She tells everyone that she is a poet, and here is a page dedicated to her poem:
http://www.alighthouse.com/pope.htm.
She is not even catholic! Then today, she sent me a cute joke about a man who used the word “penis” as a password, and it was rejected because it was not long enough. She claimed that she also sent the joke to her preacher and that it wasn’t really dirty. OK, now my head is spinning.

My dilemma is that my fundy dysfunctional relatives (which is pretty much all of them) don't know I’m an agnostic atheist secular humanist anti-war liberal. I try to steer clear of these people as much as possible and see no point in ever bringing it up.

Am I headed for trouble here, or on a highway to hell?
Should I just lay low until they all die off ?

Blueberry in the ketchup

My Dear Blueberry --
First -- Take comfort where you can get it -- your Uncle married this woman after your Aunt passed; so #2 is a "step-Aunt" at best. Doesn't help with the rest of the nuts on the family tree, but somehow ...ok maybe less comfort there than if she were a singularity.

You cannot reason with people who are so fundamentally mislead that they pass along mass SPAM as if it were something anyone with blood flowing freely through their grey cells could possibly enjoy.

That she is so clueless about the penis joke is indicative of a lack of consistency on her part -- what she is doing is looking to you Blueberry, as an acknowledged "smarty" to give her a feeling of validation and inclusion.

I'm afraid I have bad news as far as keeping the peace: you should lay low and not fight back (unless you decide to get pro-active and political in your outer-life: then and only then is pissing off and alienating the relatives the cherry and whipped cream on the political beliefs sundae).

This is a bit cowardly but it also takes into account that YOU have a life; and the right-wing clueless lemming Aunt is so desperate to be recognized as worthwhile, that should you reveal yourself as diametrically opposite her assumption of what is right and good in the world she will take all of her empty piddly pathetic time and FOCUS on fixing you: because being in the Moral Majority means she is right and you are wrong.
Regardless of the fact that you are the thinking un-numbed brain in the equation.

Now you really don't want to become her mission in life do you?

You are not going to hell -- you are being polite, which is more than I can say for your Aunt.

Remember that having good manners are not about your personal comfort, and if your smile begins to slip in the face of all that Red State ketchup --
keep in mind you live your own life, have been doing it for some time -- and being a blueberry is a very good thing to be.

oh -- and for your amusement, here's a recipe for...
alternative ketchup.

BANANA KETCHUP

Ingredients
1/2 c Golden raisins
1/3 c Coarsely chopped onions
2 lg Garlic cloves
1/3 c Tomato paste
1-1/3 c Cider vinegar
4 lg Very ripe bananas, peeled and cut into chunks
3 To 4 cups water
1/2 c (packed) dark brown sugar
1 1/2 ts Salt
1/2 ts Cayenne pepper
1/4 c Light corn syrup
2 ts Ground allspice
3/4 ts Ground cinnamon
3/4 ts Freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 ts Freshly ground black pepper
1/4 ts Ground cloves
2 tb Dark rum

Combine the raisins, onions, garlic, tomato paste and 1/3 cup vinegar in the container of a food processor, Process the mixture until smooth. Transfer the mixture to a large, heavy saucepan.
Add the banana chunks and another 1/3 cup vinegar to the food processor container. Process the mixture until smooth.
Transfer the banana mixture to the saucepan.
Add the remaining 2/3 cup vinegar, 3 cups water, brown sugar, salt and cayenne pepper.
Bring the mixture in the saucepan to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring frequently.
Reduce the heat to low and cook the ketchup, uncovered, stirring occasionally, for 1 1/4 hours.
If the ketchup threatens to stick to the bottom of the pan at any point, add some of the remaining water, up to 1 cup.
Add the corn syrup, allspice, cinnamon, nutmeg, pepper and cloves to the ketchup. Cook the ketchup over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, for 15 minutes longer or until it is thick enough to coat a metal spoon.
Stir in the rum.
Remove the ketchup from the heat and let it cool a few minutes.
Force the ketchup through a fine sieve to strain it, pressing down hard on the solids.
Remove the ketchup from the heat and let it cool to room temperature.
Store the banana ketchup covered in the refrigerator for up to 1 month.

~A.A.

Visiting the summer of 1969..?

2005-05-16T21:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
I was recently weirded out by a picture of my husband taken when he was a 15 year old (he's 50 now). The bizzare thing is -- it IS my hubby, and I love him very much and he turns me on just as he is -- but there is just...I don't know... SOMETHING about how darn adorable he is as a boy: it's like they're two different people and I have a crush on the kid?!

Now I've been noticing other boy-guys... but mostly to compare them to the picture ... it's just THAT picture... I can't get that picture out of my head!
No, we don't have kids -- I would hope I wouldn't feel like this about my son if I had one... but I wonder....

Is this one of those weird things I shouldn't think too much about?
or am I a pervert?
I feel kinda pervy...
(Unsigned)

Dear Un ~
It would only enter into the realm of "pervy" if you accosted actual 15 year old boys and made them act out intimate scenarios with you.
THAT would be pervy spelled f-e-l-o-n-y.

You've taken a perfectly pleasant facet of your husband's life and magnified it into an obsession. I assume you didn't know him when he was this age and that's spurring on your fascination.

Of course this particular picture of this particular 15 year old is going to have a profound affect on you! You are in love with this man -- and there is the beginning of the man he would become present in that picture, yes?

Now what you can do is talk to your husband -- NOT about the fact he's got competition with his own 15 year old self, there is not a blue pill in the world potent enough to defeat the down of a man being mortally aware he's not a kid anymore -- it seems you are beguiled by the mystery of your husband's youth: so ask him questions about it... ask where the picture was taken, what he thinks he might have been doing before and after... if you want to fantasize yourself into the story (at any age, this is just a fantasy after all) go right ahead.

When you truly love someone, paradoxical as it seems, age and time are irrelevant. You yourself tell me this is the case when you say "it IS my hubby, and I love him very much and he turns me on just as he is". You love who he is right now, you loved him yesterday, and very likely you will continue to love him in the future.

Healthy well adjusted people fall in love with all of the Other.
Get to know the boy he was -- and love the whole lot, more.

~A.A.

14 and depressed...

2005-05-13T21:59:00.000-04:00

I'm 14 and I'm a depressaholic. I'm always upset. Most of the time I pretend I'm not but the truth is I'm rarely happy. I'm not suicidal or anything like that I'm just always unhappy is there something I can do?

14 is a terrible age. No personal empowerment to speak of and too big to play with dolls, right? You have to start "collecting" them now. *sigh*

Guess what? without any effort on your part the world sucks. We all know that.... and so few people make any effort to make it better, figuring that's someone elses job, somewhere.

Depression is anger's underwear. Actually I've heard it said depression is a thin coating of anger, but I like my metaphor better. You are in actuality cheesed-off because you are between being a child and being an adult. Expectations are high -- for what you want -- and incredibly low -- for what you will likely be given. Taking a detached, I-don't-give-a-bugger-all attitude and expecting the worst is incredibly SAFE, and disgustingly cowardly.

Stop giving in to inertia. "Certainly the Game is Rigged." Get up, get out, and build some castles in the sand. Be alive TO and aware of wonder.

Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." The difference between pretending to be happy and being happy is moot, so why suffer the distinction? Believe you are happy and you will BE happy.

~A.A.

Puss is Pissed

2005-05-10T23:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

My cat insisted that I write. He just hired a lawyer because we had him neutered without his consent and keep him a prisoner in the house while our teenage boys are free to go chase girls when they please. What should I do?

D. Fendant

Dear D ~
First, stop eating “the cookies” out of the cat's litter box; obviously something in your diet is altering your perception of reality.

If the Cat persists in his lawsuit -- tell him to use one of his other 8 lives, already.
Do remind him that Kittens Are Free. If he is any sort of cat at all he will go back to silently giving you the cold shoulder and disdaining all efforts to affect meaningful communication with a lower species, i.e. humans.

Lastly, I'd reconsider those unfettered teenaged boys -- kittens are free, but grandchildren can be surprisingly expensive. If neutering is completely out of the question, make sure the little branches of your family tree do their propogating into a disposable receptical -- that would be, other than their current girlfriends.

~A.A.

An allegedly overdue movie

2005-05-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

A phone call on our answering machine said that I have an overdue movie out. I keep my Blockbuster receipts and read the due dates on them. Since there no more late fees, we can keep movies for an extra night or two. The man or woman didn't say which movie I didn't return. I usually return the movies I rent on time. I can't remember if I still have a movie out or not. I'm confused and I'll probably be up all night looking for it. Why didn't the person on the answering machine say when the movie was rented or which movie I still supposedly have? I might look under my bed or in my closet. If it's not in those places, then I don't know what the person who spoke on the answering machine was talking about.

signed
Snoochy Boochys

Darling Snooch,

Call Blockbuster. Ask them to press a button on their intergrated register / computer data base. They have the title, if indeed you are late with a return. There is also a possibility your number came up connected to some other account. Since an alleged human being made the phone call there's a better than average chance the human error is not yours -- you seems to be muy anal about receipts and conscientious about returns, bless your heart for sharing.

Calling the store will also give you an opportunity to voice your consternation over the Blockbuster employee's lack of telephone etiquette to someone who gives a rodent's behind.

When life hands you lemons that are unexpected take a firm grip and squeeze -- perhaps if more people employed the Robert Plant technique, less lemons would be wild in the world dribbling all over the rest of us.

Joy in the Morning,
~A.A.

I smell Cake...

2005-05-08T17:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
My dilemma is a touch more on the moral side than the personal side. I've met someone. He's the perfect catch. Kind, sweet, caring, and above all else he knows how to treat a lady. The thing is, he's already been caught. He's been with his current girlfriend for a little over 2 years, and isn't planning a break-up any time soon. Yet, the more we talk the more we seem to feel for each other. Honestly it's making me feel a touch guilty since I do hold relationships to the highest of standards and would never believe in cheating on a significant other. He's admitted to me on several occasions that he feels the same (a touch guilty). And we've both decided to just let things happen naturally. Meaning that if by some chance he and his girl should break up, it leaves the door open to a relationship, after some time of course. No rebound fling for me lol.

My dilemma is this, I am a flirt. This I will and oftentimes do admit freely. Should I resist the urge to flirt with this guy since it seems to cause him to flirt back, hence the stronger feelings with each encounter. Or should I just not worry about it, and stop feeling guilty for having feelings for a taken man?

Yours Truly,
Morally Malfunctioning

There is a flaw in Morality, in that people mistake Morals for Inviolate Truth. In the words of the sagacious Leonard Scheider, "The truth is what is -- What Should Be is a lie."

The problem with Morality is that once you invoke it, you get the nasty pudding skin of Double Standards -- or maybe it's the deeper isssues of Double Standards that lurk under the pudding skin of Morality.

You have more than a passing interest in this man and he is unavailable...yet you would like permission to blow off your guilty feelings and continue to dally with him as if he might give you more than a pleasant, of-the-moment thrill. You already know on a deeper level than mere morality that you are angling for an upgrade in involvement.

Be a big girl and either go for the kill or drop him.

~A.A.

Soup's On...

2005-05-04T15:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie
What is up with guys who think if you take the effort to look attractive, you are open season for their come on lines? I like to look my best because when I do, I feel good -- but I just HATE guys who ruin it with their dumb guy cheesy lines, it's totally insulting!

BTW I am happily married and have 2 great kids; I always wear my wedding rings and a lot of these jerks are my hub's so-called friends. My husband either has no idea his loser friends are hitting on me -- a few of them do it right in front of him -- or he does see it and thinks it's funny? I'm getting tired of having to bite my tongue over this and I'm afraid I am going to go postal soon.
please advise
Hot Momma's Gonna Ice Those Weenies

Since you are having problems with this particular issue, I must assume you are not one of those women with 'tude: a G.R.I.T.S. -- that is, a Girl Raised In The South. This is more than just an acronym it is a spiritual credo, wrapped up in impeccable taste with style.

Be that as it may I only deploy my Southern Belle survival tactics where the jungle is thickest and as it sounds like you are stranded there: repeat after me:

“Southern women know how to say "no" to unwanted attention nicely but firmly. We don’t slap, yell or berate the man with a string of profanities. Instead, we sweetly remove his hands and say with a lilting tone, "Now, be nice!" Those words are punctuated with a warning look, the seriousness of which is masked with a smile. ”

When all else fails do not lose your cool. Southern Ladies are not called Steel Magnolias for nothing. Remember down South the defense of, “He needed killin' your Honor” is a legitimate reason to off someone.
Just cullin' the herd.

~A.A.

Mail bag I

2005-04-25T15:35:00.000-04:00

woo hoo -- actual letters from actual game folks! ty ty ty...
Dear Aunt Aggie;
My wife and I've been married for years now, it's just great. Sex is just like it was when we were young, she has her hand and I've got mine... And while I may not be mister "PERFECT" (see message 13 of this thread) I've been known to spoil her in my very own special way. For instance just this past Christmas I gave her a brand new outboard motor. A $2000.00 item so she won't have to row anymore when I take her fishing.

Anyway her sister is such a sweet thing. And a very well endowed one at that. (38 double D's) Meanwhile my wife is upset with me cause I can remember her sister's birthday, anniversary, children's birthdays, favorite color (Red), type books she reads, music she listens to and so on... You'd think she'd be happy! But Nooooo she's gone so far as accusing me of being a pig. Which leads me to my question.
Why? The way I see it I'm Mr. congeniality!

I bought a frilly see thru negligee from Victor's secret Color Red! It was the perfect size, designed to fit a doll with 38 DD's. As soon as my wife opened it and held it up to her training bra chest. I realized the the terrible mistake I'd made. She'd look ridiculous, polishing my car in that. Especially with her "Brand New" 1/2 hp.,1800 RPM buffing wheel, with variable pitch head I'd just given her.

But that is no reason to go running to her room, crying and calling me a pig. It's her sister's favorite color, red. So I'll just give to her sister! And just to make it up to my wife for giving her something so feminine looking. I got her I got her a brand new pair of bib overalls to polish my car in. So why on earth am I a pig? I would like to know!
signed
Mr. congeniality

I'm afraid I have some shocking news for you, Mr Congeniality; your wife feels you appreciate her sister more than you appreciate her. I know you don't see how this is possible, so let me explain it very slowly and carefully.

You treat your wife like a Buddy at best, and a drudge at worst. She sees it this way, regardless of your intention. Now the porcine name calling is in reality a short hand version of a much deeper, pain filled understanding of how very little you think of your wife in comparison to her divinely endowed sister.

What has your sister-in-law ever done for you, anyway? Sure she's got it up front, but what about the things you really value? Can she use power tools? Would she sit with you for hours on end in a fishing boat merely for the pleasure of your company? Could she indeed competently and efficiently buff your car without those hooters getting in the way?

By the way, "pig" is too virile a name for you, dawg: like the proverbial car chasing canine: just what would you do if you actually got your paws on one?
Sounds to me you have your hands full with your stick, and lack the coordination to do any serious driving.

Count your blessings Buddy. Treat your wife like the angel she is -- and stop being such a boob over her sister's 38 DD's.

~A.A.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Aunt Aggie;
First and formost Thank You for your wonderful and very prompt help. Like the see the newspapers beat that. Anyway I think you're right about the D's getting in the way. But I think you may be a little off base with a few of the facts, like getting my hands on one of those double D's. The sister in law has two of em... Furthermore my wife doesn't just come along cause she likes my company, she baits my hook and takes those slimy fish of the line fer me. (yuck, can't stand the thought of touch those things.)

Last I just wanted to point out that I don't treat her like one of my buddies, (1) she can't stand beer. (2) My buds would wup my ass if I tried handin them the buffing machine. (3) She doesn't know beans about lying to the old lady about how much money I lost at last friday's poker game. Oooops I think I may have just said too much. Please ignore the last part about lying and loosing money! (it's not true and you can't prove it anyway) LOL

Seems my proofreader had double vision in one eye to make up for keeping the other closed. Sigh.

You're right, you don't treat your wife like a Bud: I suppose she should be grateful for that in the long run.

Poker... that's played with those cute little 4 suited decks of cards and adorable plasic chips, isn't it?...

Oh I'llnever tell about the lying and losing money at poker --
you'd be surprised how little this job pays; a girl needs to keep herself in toenail polish and diet soda somehow.

~A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie..

I don't really have a question or anything just yet.. although im sure you'll be receiving emails from me almost daily.. just takes me a lil time for the trust factor to kick in.. specially since im the one who's used to giving the advise and never taking it lol.. i just wanted to comment and say that you truly do have a gift and you use it well

Tams

Thank you for the encouraging words, Ms. Tams.

Advice is precious to the receiver and cheap to the giver -- and so it is often a weakness in those who are dispensers of advice to not take the advice given to us to heart. (My endocrinologist's eyes just 'bout rolled out his head reading that one.)

Hope you are settling in and can't wait to hear from you!

Kindest Regards,
Aunt Aggie.

Dear Aunt Aggie,

What is it with them feller's that think is so kewl too have oversized boobs? I don't think it is so kewl to have mega mellons. Don't they know you must have much bigger feet or ten extra pounds on your ass just to keep form tippin' over??

Orange

It is a sad fact that men are into size-ism. They are somehow jerked into believing More is Better. I believe it is due to the law of balance -- they seek to compensate for their own shortcomings -- most usually in personality and sensitivity.

Presented with a bodacious pair of ta-tas, men instantly regress to pe-sexual infantism; or worse yet grabby, honking, adjusting-the-volume nipple twisting dorks.

of course, the one upside to big boobies is that nobody cards a D cup. EVER.

I'm sorry to say this is just the way of the world, Orange. If you are a Sista who Suffers the Burdens of Bosom I co-miserate. If you are one of the blessedly perky lesser endowed -- know that you are envied.

The biggest disadvantage for woman of abundance: somehow, somewhere, men have picked up the incredibly dumb idea the bigger the bust, the smaller the brain. Your Aunt Aggie herself as had XY chromosomed geniuses walk up to her, look at her "HELLO my name is..." badge (One often wears at social functions) and ask,
"So what's the other one's name?"

oh yeah. She's in the witness protection program buddy; if I tell you I'll have to kill you.
~A.A.

A.A. - Since the subject got serious when it came to breast size, let me throw my 2 cents in here.

Not all men are total cretins. I cannot imagine myself saying "what's the other one's name?" How stupid could he be? Did he think that would endear him to you? Here's another answer for a socially inept misfit like that - look directly at his crotch and say, "Pleased to meet you Shorty" and walk away. Then feel sorry for him, the poor fool's probably going to die a virgin.

I'm not going to say that there are not breasts that I find unattractive - there are probably the same percentage as any other physical attribute - but I personally like the wonderful diversity of breast sizes and shapes, just as I like the wonderful diversity of other physical and personality features of women.

I frankly think that men who make a big deal out of large breasted women feel threatened by the implied maternal power. Mommy issues. As far as men who mistreat breasts, I don't get it. Again, it's gotta be Mommy issues. (Except in the rare case where a woman actually likes a bit of pain with their pleasure - not really my thing)

Anyways, my point was, there are some men with enough class and social maturity to keep their tongues rolled up and saliva in their mouths.

tomketchfish looks for a place to store his soapbox

tomketchfish, my heart overflows with gratitude. Thank you for representing men everywhere who know which head to do the thinking with.

"Pleased to meet you Shorty" is Tat for Tit (I LIKE it!) but I'm afraid saying anything at all encourages them: since the "correct" thing to do with such idiocy is to say nothing. At all.
Advice I always remember AFTER I have been too clever for my own good.

Usually any fool who thinks boob-rhetoric is the height of clever is desperately needy -- Mommy issues are piping on the Analyst's couch of their deeper neurotic-eroticisms.

We come in all sizes, with variables that evolve throughout our lives. The one constant is that each of us lives in our own skin --
Male or female; beauty comes from wearing that Uniquely You skin well. Relaxed self confidence is always sexy -- or as the saying goes, "Sex Appeal is 50% what you've got -- and 50% what other people think you've got."

~A.A.

Ms. Lonely...

2005-04-23T00:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
My family says I'm a nice quiet girl, and I admit I'm not very outgoing and don't know how to make friends. How do I meet people? I'm very shy and I never know what to do. It looks so easy for other people -- but I guess you hear this sort of stuff all the time.
signed,
Lonely...

Well yes, I do hear this sort of stuff all the time. Which answers your question right there, Lonely: it only LOOKS so easy for other people.
It isn't. Some people are better at making it look easy, is all.

With just a little effort, you can turn "shy" into "mysterious".

First -- look at yourself in the mirror.
Make eye contact. Smile. Don't grimace, just pull the corners of your mouth up, as if you're thinking of something funny. Practice this. check occasionally in the mirror, but get in the habit of smiling at the things in your home; smile at your pets.
If you live with people -- smile at them.
They will wonder if you've lost your mind, no doubt.

Here's where the mysterious part come in.
Say nothing.

Now before you started this exercise you probably worried about HAVING to say something and coming up with nothing and being embarrassed by that: by making eye contact and simply smiling, you put the burden of conversation on the other person -- even if they don't say anything, you have made a favorable impression.

People LOVE validation. Since you aren't saying anything, you'll appear to be a great listener -- before you know it all sorts of people will begin to tell you their effing life stories, because YOU seem to be the sort of person who makes friends easily.
Guess what? Now you are. All for the effort of looking friendly.

A word of caution: go easy on the eye contact at first. There are a great many people in this world who don't want to be friends, aren't looking to make friends, and usually make it fairly clear by snapping at anyone who looks at them something along the lines of, "What the $$%!&! are YOU looking at ?!"

Handling this Knob is for advanced students. You may want to flutter your lashes and turn your attention elsewhere; in fact remove yourself discreetly from The Hostile's range.

I usually go into my office and answer mail.
~A.A.

Parent-Teacher Sex Talk...

2005-04-21T07:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
My 8 year old daughter brought home a note from her teacher telling us that she was disruptive in class; evidentially in science class Nicole gave a detailed account of how babies are made and this distressed several of the other children. I have to meet with the teacher -- and I am livid! Don't you think the teacher should have better control of her classroom? How did she allow the subject of sex to come up in the first place? Not to mention Nicole is the object of derision for actually knowing the truth about human reproduction?!

I need to know how to handle this meeting.
signed,
Parent In Transitive Anxiety.

Oh my, PITA -- your little Nicole sounds like a Smarty-Pants-Know-It-All delight and it seems the Apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. You'd think in this day and age 8 year olds would be relatively well informed but it's more likely the Busted Taboo Factor of Nicole actually saying "naughty words" (I assume she used the clinical terms, "penis" and "vagina" rather than more casual and vulgar idioms?) that caused the fracas in the classroom.

I'd say your problem is with the Teacher's morality and comfort zone. You don't mention if this woman is Old School or relatively speaking Fresh Meat to the profession. Doesn't matter. Feel free to rant and rage at her, vent spleen and threaten to drag in the A.C.L.U. Believe me, she deserves it for making a fuss over a non-issue like this; and she already thinks you are "One Of Those" Women anyway.

This will of course make the rest of the school year a living hell for Nicole, but it's not like she's destined to be one of the Popular Clique. No, I imagine by 5th grade she will be an Existential Nihilist writing Goth lyrics with titles like "The Inner Raping of My Mind".

*sigh* Kids. They grow up so fast.

~A.A.

Bi-bye Love...

2005-04-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

dear aunt aggie,
I've had boyfriends who were good in bed, but not -- great. And then my roommate Gina and I were talking, and one thing led to another and like -- boom! We were just goofing around but it was totally great. Like no stress and WOW, if you know what I mean.
The thing is, I want to get married and have kids someday and I do like men... but what does it mean that Gina and me were so hot together? If we keep getting together does it mean we're lesbians?...what would people think?..
signed,
not so fishy.

NSF -- as far as I know, there is no Union you have to join or format you have to follow to be a lesbian; or a heterosexual for that matter.

There are people who are exclusively turned on by one sex or the other -- and then there are people who are turned on by both sexes -- and I suppose there are also people who are turned on by inanimate objects only, but I'm still waiting for that letter.

It doesn't seem to be a moral hang up for you so much as you're concerned what other people will think if they find out: you and your roommate can do whatever you like with each other provided there isn't another person either of you are involved with who would feel threatened by your girl on girl action. A little discretion, tho -- as the old (very old) saying goes, "Keep it off the streets so you don't frighten the horses."

I do think that you enjoy your experiences with your same sex roommate more than your forays into encounters with the opposite sex because of the free flow of communication and common ground you share with La Gina.

All guys, NSF have to learn somewhere; it is not inherent. They have outboard equipment -- we have Mystery. You would be surprised perhaps at how attentive a listener the average male can be if you get right to the point with a hands on attitude.

Be encouraging and positive; tell him what feels good. Chances are he will be grateful for your unsolicited help -- we know how they hate to ask for directions, don't we?

~A.A.

Dreamy...

2005-04-17T11:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,
I like to flirt, and I like it when guys flirt back -- but what the hell is it about men that turns them into repressive freaks the minute things get serious"?
My boyfriend, who I met on a site called "Flirting With Danger" hooked up with me because I am the way I am -- but now he hates that I am the way I am?! He constantly tells me that it's wrong I flirt so much, that I'm doing it just to make him jealous.
Excuse me?!
Why do guys do this?
and do you think I am ever going to find someone who will let me be me?

sincerely
Formidably Lively Intelligent Risqué Temptress

I can't believe you're with someone who expects you to settle down and be something you are not, FLIRT; you need to find a guy who will allow you to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. Someone just like you but -- who flirts with anything female, yes? Because surely you are secure enough in your own attractiveness and desirability to not read into his actions that you are less than all he could ever want.

Dump the guy who wants you to change. Be upfront about it. Believe me: he will be happier with a woman who can fixate on him, and you will be happier free to be who you are. Do not attempt to undergo a personality adjustment. Two words here: Stepford Wife.
Just burn this bridge and don't look back.

If you need to flex your flirtation muscle a bit to get the cramp in your style worked out, I know some guys willing to take one for the team. In fact -- I'm pretty sure the Key Tone News traffic desk is hiring.
at the very least, there's a place for you in Circulation.

~A.A.

Aunt Aggie
I think I've found the man of my dreams: he dresses tastefully, has impeccable manners, he can cook, he's handsome, he's got a great sense of humor, he's a talented pianist, and he loves to go shopping and pick up the check -- he's the only man I've ever met who totally gets it about shoe shopping, in fact he knows more about fashion than most of my girlfriends!
Anyway, the problem is we've been dating for a couple months and he hasn't done more than give me a kiss goodnight. He's very affectionate -- lots of hugs and "smootches" of the friendly kind, but he's got me panting at the end of my leash here.
Do you think it's possible he might not be interested in me romantically?
signed
Fun And Giggly Honey Ahm Game!

Well this is like shooting fish in a barrel. *sigh*
My dear Giggly And Game I think you are completely right, this is your DREAM MAN. Now, why would you want to disturb such a pleasant dream with hot and heavy action?

There are sooo many men in the world, but so few who can be -- and more to the point are willing to be -- your best girlfriend. Treasure this man, just as he is. Do not press him for services he seems reluctant or clueless to render -- did you not say, he loves to go shopping AND pick up the check?!

I showed your note to a co-worker and I'll pass his advice along:
"Let him take you shopping.. Fill up your closet with so many shoes, it would put Emelda Marcos to shame.. At the end of the evening, give him a chaste kiss and tell him what a gentleman he is for not pressuring you.. Thus you will satisfy his need for a female companion, such as his mother probably
was and at the same time you will have a hell of a shoe collection.
Pick me up a pair of brown wing tips, size 11 and call me after he leaves at this number 555-7519"

this also reminds me of a joke:
5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is extremely important that these four men don't know each other.

you are well on your way to a perfect relationship dear.

~A.A.

Kitty envy..?

2005-04-16T16:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I met this woman online, in a forum for animal lovers.She is a real smart cookie and I enjoy exchanging information with her, on the care of our pets. I have a pit bull named "Sic em" and she has a cat named "Ms. Fluffy." I never gave her a second thought as anything other than just a friend, until she described the way she rubs Ms. Fluffy.

Just the thought of her stroking her cat, running her hands all over the softness of it's fur, and thinking about it's little body arching under her skillful fingers, until Ms. Fluffy purrs with satisfaction... is driving me crazy. I can't eat or sleep and it's all, I can think about.

Aunt Aggie, I have always had a dog for a pet. Now I'm beginning to think, I should look into getting a cat. That way, we would have more in common. What do you think?

signed
Cautious And Tired

hmmmm kitty envy?
Probably not a good idea to bring a cat home just for the sensual thrill of silky softness and slinky responsiveness.
Get a girlfriend.
Get a petit girlfriend with above average flexibility.
Bet you're not thinking about a quadruped anymore, are you?

CAT, I am sure the pet you have would appreciate attentions affectionate -- being a Pit Bull, you better ask his permission first.
Keep in mind, it is good to love your pets.. but Loving your pets is a particular kink best not shared. In a family oriented publication.

~A.A.

The Doublemint Twins..?

2005-04-14T02:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I am dating siamese twins. They are beautiful, intelligent and have a kind and sharing nature towards each other. ( a real plus in this situation)

The problem is, their libido fires up at different times. I pride myself on equal affection shown toward each, but one wiill be in the mood and will decide to sleep it out. Just as I'm lying there basking in the after glow of a very satisfying encounter, the other one will decide... that maybe she was in the mood, after all.

Aunt Aggie, I am completely worn out, have taken as many vitamins as my system can handle and have eaten volumious amounts of wheaties. I've even tried the Viagra route for the second time around. Invariably that excites the first one again. I'm really aprehensive about taking over six (6) of those pills in a single evening.

The cold hard fact is, I just can't keep up. I really don't want to give them up, as this is the most unique situation I have ever been romantically involved in. There is one other problem. If we do decide to marry and have children, how will I know which one is the mother.

Signed...
Tired, Confused and Grinning

Tish tosh, TCG: if you can't keep up with the demands of two women consecutively you are just a wimp. Why I know libidinous fellows who actually have to get out of bed and drive to their next rendezvous, and here you have the luxury of "girl waiting" every night?

However I will concede the male body does need a time out to recuperate between engagements. Perhaps taking up Three handed Pinocle between rounds?..

As for marriage -- Unless you are Mormons you would be marrying only one of the girls: so if you want to continue enjoying both young ladies favors equally I'm afraid marriage would put a stop to that.

Hmmm it does seem Congress and Our Current President enjoy taking the idiosyncratic concerns of individual cases and making federal laws out of them -- and it's not like this law could possibly be of use to any other triumvirate; it has the added bonus of being heterosexual sex and fuel for red blooded American Male fantasy...

Good grief. I just had a vision of you, TCG as a future world leader with the three of you grinning from the cover of Time Magazine: The President and his First Ladies!

I have got to cut back on the Thai food after office hours.

but come now: not know which one is the mother?
Goodness me you really are confused dear.
Or the twins are conjoined sharing one set of hips.

If that is the case go ahead and marry -- your procreative exclusivity has a sort of "grandfather" clause.

Most men find they've married mood swing multiple personalities anyway --
you'll simply, literally have a wife in stereo.

~A.A.

Hoo-HHA

2005-04-13T00:13:00.000-04:00

(revised)
Dear Aunt Aggie,
My Boyfriend wants to get married, but I don't think he's the right man for me. I'm still in High School and he's 36 years old.
Oh, and he thinks I'm older. We met in a bar.
Anyway, I think he's a real sweet guy, I don't want to hurt him -- but I don't want to marry him. At least I don't think I do? What do you think?
signed
Half His Age

You certainly sound uncertain of what you want HHA. Do I need to point out that your relationship with this man is built on deception? He thinks you are older: would I be wrong if I assume that's probably not the only bit of lying that's been done?
If you are at the point where he thinks you two should get married and you think the first formal dress in your life shouldn't be a wedding gown -- well hun -- it's time to fess up.

Here are your options:
1. You tell him you're still in High school and you don't want to marry him. The combination freak out over your age and your disinterest in being his wife should screw him up royally. Make sure you leave him in shock: cut your losses and don't look back. Congratulations, you're looking out for #1. Biotch.

2. You omit telling him your age and just drop him, which will hurt and screw him up the regular way guys get dumped.

3. You tell him that you really do like him, but you had no idea he was thinking seriously about getting married. In other words continue with the deception but put the brakes on his marriage intent. This will hurt him, and you might end up blurting the whole truth anyway which may or may not show him just how badly he misjudged you and what was he thinking!? Slightly less stunnage for him with the Your-Cat's-On-The-Roof mode of breaking the bad news in stages; more squirming for you.

4. Marry him. People get married for worse reasons all the time. So you suffer for the rest of your days until he croaks: he's got 18 years on you, you'll have your middle age to yourself. This option is of course completely out of the question if he's a loser or a musician. (Yes, there is a difference between the two contrary to the widely held opinion of the parents of nubile daughters.)

I would strongly suggest option two, and the sooner the better.

HHA -- let us assume your parents do not know you are seeing RSG "socially" or, let us assume they are at the very least unaware of the particulars concerning your age differences.

Baby girl -- the 'rents are going to be P.O.'d to the EXTREME when they find out.
It's also been known for male relatives of the victim (that's You, dear) to exact rather gruesome and crippling justice on the defiler of their women folk (and that would be your Real Sweet Guy.)

Better hope they don't hear about it until Real Sweet Guy is out of your life --
or sometime after your 7th wedding Anniversary.

~A.A.

introducing....

2005-04-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

I have a new hobby.

Dear Aunt Aggie,
I'm real close with this chick I am dying to hit the skins with. Like -- how do I get her to put out for me?
signed ~
Gimmie It Thankyou!

well GIT, you say you are "real close" to this chick, and I have to wonder at that. I would think with your Upfront Personality, she would have either gotten a clue and you would not have a reason to write a letter to me -- or she has your DMV (Dumb Male Vibe ) down cold and is ignoring your needs and using you for what her playing hard to get can get for her. Before I give you further advice, consider which of these options makes sense, hmmm?

~A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie,
My Hunny Sweetie thinks it would be awesome if me and my best friend made his biggest fantasy come true and we did a threeway with him. I'm all for it -- but the problem is, I have two best friends: one is S. and she's kinda dykey I guess, and the other is N. and he's kinda gay. You don't think My Man could want to do it with me and N. do you?
signed ~
No Clue.

Dear NC,
How nice for him that you are so willing to share. As for with whom: I would guess it really depends on whether he's spending more time with N. than you are, but given that his biggest fantasy is what ranks number one as fantasy material with heterosexual men, I'd be willing to bet real money your dykey gal pal S. is the third in this trio.
Just have her bring her strap on in case he was angling for N. and you should be covered.

~A.A.

Miss Aggie,
Ever since I turned 30 this year, my Mother keeps nagging me about getting married; but I'm not ready to settle down with anyone yet. In fact -- I really don't think marriage is for me. I like living alone and doing whatever I want to do, but my Mom acts like I'm crazy and possibly gay because I don't bring anyone home of the opposite sex for her to meet and/or hear about even.
How do I get my mother to stop being such a pain in the you know what?
signed ~
Single And Satisfied Soul.

Oy, SASS -- you really don't give me much to work with here. You didn't even specify if you are male or female. Doesn't matter to me and I'll tell you why: the bad news is -- whether you are male or female if you reach your 30's without suiting up to play the mating game in public, you are going to be suspected of having a "Secret Life." You Know. That Lurks In the CLOSET.

You have the additional Albatross necklace of A Mother Who Means Well. Very possibly She is begging you to tell her your orientation by forcing you to give her some scrap of information so she can determine whether you are indeed ever going to get with the game plan.

You see, SASS -- you own her. She gave birth to you, nurtured you, and allowed you to become an adult human being in order for you to provide her with grandchildren. She really did have plenty of opportunities to kill you in your sleep, you know -- she's invested 29 years over your cute-as-a-button-baby-doll stage and now she wants to reap the benefits of baby bunting without stretch marks and morning sickness. Not to mention getting her due Grandma Bragging Rights.

What you are missing, from her perspective, is that you getting married and creating a family of your own Validates HER efforts and is the Prize for having raised you.
I'm afraid this is what is , SASS. The Children's Children are proof for every parent they did a good job as a Parent.

However -- there is good news: You ARE 30 years old. Tell your Mom you love her, but you are happy without attachments and it really is getting impossible for you to be around her at all since her nagging has gone into overdrive.

Yes -- sometimes telling the 'rents the unvarnished truth is exactly what they need to hear.Trust me -- at 30, you should have a strong enough spine to stand up straight and speak up for yourself.
Even to the woman who could have died bringing you into the world, not that you ever asked to be born, right?..

If you really want to freak her out, tell her she did such a fantastic job with you as a kid you just can't envision being able to match it with your own offspring -- and you certainly wouldn't want to do less by them!

~A.A.

Dear Aunt Aggie
I just met my Bud's Mom -- and OMG. She's like UNBELIEVABLY hot! I mean, Carmen Electra, OMG OMG OMG THAT H-O-T!!!! She's really his Mom not his step mom or anything so I mean she's like as old as my Mom and stuff but -- I never felt like this about MY Mother, ever! So anyway -- is it like totally sick to want to do my best friends Mom? Do you think I have a chance to really do it? I can't stop thinking about her! Help!
signed
Barely Even A Teenager.

Well BEAT -- I'd say from your signature that the chances you can score with a Mature and Ultra Hot Babe, regardless of whom she's related to are at this stage Astronomically Disproportionate.

However, adding the "Hot Mom" scenario to your fantasy life (if you haven't already) is "do-able". Mix it up and imagine she IS Carmen Electra. Maybe she's Carmen's twin sister! And She REALLLLLY digs guys who can't shave yet.

Whatever you do -- do NOT attempt to put the move on your Bud's Mom.
you need to rent a few videos.
"Class"
and the episode of SNL when Candace Bergen played Wayne Campbell's Mom.

You see what a goof Garth is about her? You see how disgusted Wayne is with his best Bud? You get how Andrew McCarthy got stuck playing schleppers who score outside of their league and never end up with the hot Babe at the end?

You can learn life lessons the less painful way by paying attention to Art. That's what it's for.

~A.A.

Jack Koff's Dilemma...

2005-04-10T01:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt Aggie,

I am a healthy, red-blooded, american male in my early forties. I have never had a problem with relationships or sex. I have both a wife and a mistress, who are both quite satisfied with their positions. Additionally, my secretary and I occasionally nip into the broom closet to... shall we say... see what's up. My schedule is quite hectic, to say the least.

I have recently moved to a new house on the ocean and thereby is the root of my problem. (no pun intended) There is a woman, several houses down who sun bathes in the nude. I wouldn't know this except, my wife gave me a pair of binoculars for my birthday. Having played with them for several hours and finding nothing of interest, I placed them in my underwear drawer, where they have rested for these past months.

My wife seemed to have her feelings hurt, that I wasn't thrilled over her gift. I took to wearing them around my neck, so she would think I was using them. On one such occassion, I held them up to my eyes and observed our neighbor, sunbathing in the altogether. I don't know if she is ugly or beautiful, as I have never actually seen her face. This could be my own fault, as I have never thought to check.

Since that time, these binoculars are part of my everyday attire. I wear them to the office, out to eat, while I am driving and during sex. Lately however, there hasn't been as much sex. Not only do my partners object to me wearing them... I can't wait to get home, change into a loose fitting pair of shorts and station myself on the upstairs patio, behind the potted psalms and... well you know.

You might think this is sick, but if only you could look thru those glasses, you would understand. Waiting anxiously for your reply.

signed ... Jack Koff, esquire

My my. And here I thought Dudley Moore and / or the 1980s were dead and buried.

Since what I mostly sense from your note is a cheerful disregard for anyone or anything other than your own selfish and purile pleasure, I say buy everyone you know binoculars and tell them it's the latest "thing". A MUST fashion accessory.

If they are as Clueless as I imagine they must be, you will never lack for a dangling pair at hand.
In fact, I'd say your dangling pair are you very best friends to begin with.
Have fun!

oh. And FYI: The Neighbor? Stay with the soft focus. Even Bo Derek is not so much a "10" anymore.

~A.A.